Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-