When my child is born I’ll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say “Thats my son. The fast one.”
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.