@ChicksRule

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

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@ChillE_ConCarne

When my child is born I’ll paint flames on him so when I stand with the other parents at the nursery I can say “Thats my son. The fast one.”

@ToxicProbably

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@SummerCandyEyes

I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

@Kernsti

When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies

@Elizasoul80

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

@Robert_Beau

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

@McGrumpenstein

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.