best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids