[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.