Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“our sushi is very fresh”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Good morning
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Basketball
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets