@T_Bonezzz

Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don’t.

so i made her a mixed signal tape

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@weinerdog4life

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

@kwirkyKerri

Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I’m convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.

@baronvonbike

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

@withanewname

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

@ElgatoEsmio

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

@Parentpains

My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.

@edana_irish

Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

@blade_funner

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.