My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
This will never not be funny 😭
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me