Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don’t.
so i made her a mixed signal tape
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Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I’m convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.
Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.