been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video