My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me…
but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.