@slaughthie

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

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@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@SortaBad

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

@envydatropic

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

@

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@Deurb1

She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me…
but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.

@psybermonkey

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.