Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
You Might Also Like
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.