Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)