@Xoolun

Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again

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@Dani_Feld

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

@pakalupapito

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash

@SnarkyMommy78

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

@david8hughes

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

@heysarahsweeney

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

@GingerAtLaw

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

@ShanaRose21

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

@Robbie_Cakes

Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!