she : XOXOXOXOX
Me : stop cheating babe. You can’t play both our turns.
Been having a problem with diarrhea & its unbearable The doc said lemons will help I said I know but as soon as I take 1 out it starts again
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!