Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?