been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I get distracted pretty eas
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I know karate and tons of other words.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.