Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”