How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
car salesman: 100%
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.