Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive


5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.


[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”


My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while


You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.


You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.


Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right


I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please


Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey