@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

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@jonnysun

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

@bgirl314

5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.

@datguyryry

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

@DJLIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

@JD_KC

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

@eminmien

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

@Playing_Dad

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

@OctopusCaveman

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

@DiamondGirl127

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please

@lovemydogduck

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey