@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

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@_NTFG_

COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”

@Schmoodles

There’s a party in my pants, with an all you can eat buffet, and a VIP entrance in the rear.

@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

@MoneypennyNaked

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

@Piecezilla

St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child

@charliedelta7

My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?

Me: I’m not that old.

4: You’re not new.

Me: Go to bed.

@HockeyGoddess24

I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..

@hashtagyolo11

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

@stinky_blinders

Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*

@Henry_3000

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.