COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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There’s a party in my pants, with an all you can eat buffet, and a VIP entrance in the rear.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child
My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?
Me: I’m not that old.
4: You’re not new.
Me: Go to bed.
I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Me: If you love them, let them go
*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.