Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
You Might Also Like
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.