@FreckleMcPickle

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

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@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

@girlontapas

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

@MissHavisham

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

@Bagyants

The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows

@Livsey1

If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”

@neonwario

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

@notsoevilrick

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

@LeBearGirdle

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

@ndiquote

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@PRlNCEREMUS

robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful