Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
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*stares at it*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows
If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful