Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

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Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea


*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*



My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.


The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows


If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”


I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing


It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.


Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!


My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.


robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful