Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
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Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.