my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
work smarter, not harder
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison