[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Oh we’ve met.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.