Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
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I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.