Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.

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Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?


Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.


the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this


[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”



I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.


The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.


I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.