Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Oh my god
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.