Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.