@WilliamAder

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

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@VisionBored1

My neighbour winked at me this morning and said my husband and I were pretty loud yesterday while the kids weren’t home.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were just screaming obscenities for an hour due to the sheer novelty of it.

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@simoncholland

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

@ItsSamG

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

@TitansHomer

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

@KardashianReact

there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair