@WilliamAder
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
@VisionBored1
My neighbour winked at me this morning and said my husband and I were pretty loud yesterday while the kids weren’t home.
I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were just screaming obscenities for an hour due to the sheer novelty of it.
@better_off_dad2
14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’
@simoncholland
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
@ItsSamG
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
@XplodingUnicorn
4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?
Me: No.
4: Can I check?
Me: Do you have a warrant?
@HollyMemphis
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
@SusanRinell
And we’re still calling it auto “correct” because….
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
@TitansHomer
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
@KardashianReact
there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair