Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

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My neighbour winked at me this morning and said my husband and I were pretty loud yesterday while the kids weren’t home.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her we were just screaming obscenities for an hour due to the sheer novelty of it.


14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’


My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.


I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for


4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?


Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.


Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??


there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair