Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
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guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Oh, I bet you would be
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.