My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Had an epiphany today.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*