Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
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[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.