I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.
Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.
Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he “really needs scissors, like right now!”?
Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective