@RackOfSteel

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

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@Matt_The_1st

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

@Rlpihl

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

@david8hughes

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.

@TheLevelArc

Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.

@jnapsalot

Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.

@daisy_gi11

Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he “really needs scissors, like right now!”?

@sammyrhodes

Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective