Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith


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Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti


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GOD: Look in your pocket
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i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective