there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
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Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
nature’s most graceful animal
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
every single time
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Phones down.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]