Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.