@DitzMcGeee

beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.

mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!

condom: *walks away laughing*

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@hansabumsadaisy

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@JenniferJokes

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*

@ojedge

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

@TweetsByKaylee

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

@Smooheed

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@bobvulfov

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

@heidi420x

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different