A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what