My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.
#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.
mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!
condom: *walks away laughing*
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Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Her: We really need to do something about global warming
Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”
“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: I thought pants would be different