@lovemydogduck

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

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@behindyourback

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

@Fuzzy_sue

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

@audipenny

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

@rachann79

In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.

@darinlovesbacon

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

@tchrquotes

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

@ThugRaccoons

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

@bngzyface

Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.

@cbdoubleu

Jeopardy]

Alex: This floats your boat.

Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?

Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.