Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

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Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.


Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind


I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me


In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.


Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die


It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.


You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same


Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.



Alex: This floats your boat.

Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?

Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.