Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
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“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.