Beer is proof that God wants us to have fun…

…whiskey is proof that Satan wants there to be stories about it.

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Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…


5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.


have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?


Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.


If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.


*Buys bat for home security

*it flies away

Being dumb is hard.


When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.


What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings


ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*