I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?