@better_off_dad

Beer is proof that God wants us to have fun…

…whiskey is proof that Satan wants there to be stories about it.

You Might Also Like

@djdarrellripley

Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…

@MissHavisham

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

@recursivetaco

have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?

@DevilryFun

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

@deegeemindi

If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.

@Shellsterca

*Buys bat for home security

*it flies away

Being dumb is hard.

@Marcmywords2

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

@rogueMUGA

What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings

@fro_vo

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*