NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
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Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.