Do you think my therapist will be able to tell that I didn’t start my homework till the night before?
Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
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If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal
COFFIN SALESMAN: What do I have to do to put you in this coffin today?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?
GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Roses are red
Violets are blue
ME: Am I making you wet?
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“How did your grammar competition go?”
Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.