@SeanINCypress

Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.

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@DearAuntAbby

Do you think my therapist will be able to tell that I didn’t start my homework till the night before?

@a_j_packman

COFFIN SALESMAN: What do I have to do to put you in this coffin today?

@decentbirthday

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

@Reverend_Scott

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

@HansGrubertron

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

@Dawn_M_

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.