Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Spotted in New Orleans.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on