@InternetHippo

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

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@meganamram

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

@offbeatoliv

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

@coolauntV

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

@TheToddWilliams

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

@ThRealBallsDeep

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

@Skoog

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

@marnipanas

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.