Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
This pepper has seen some shit
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Happy Febuary everyone!
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one