Me: Worry about your own face.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off
me: im not vibing with this baby man
doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious
my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk
Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*