@Staggfilms

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

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@Grommit56

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

@_coryrichardson

me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk

@Deltamel1

Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all

@envydatropic

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

@DiscoFruit

[first date]
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?

@TheCatWhisprer

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

@DaddyJew

The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”

@huntigula

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*