Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
True.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.