First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.