Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Van Gone
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second