*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.