@polychromatik

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

@thepatrickwalsh

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.

@simoncholland

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

@BoogTweets

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

@HatfieldAnne

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.