Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table