[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.
Why are they called Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati