before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Hmmmmm
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man