@GrantTanaka

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

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@ashlar36

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

@mayamanion

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

@heyitsJudeD

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

@notacroc

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

@thesulk

Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

@AbbieEvansXO

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

@ClichedOut

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

@Benoo_Brown

“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born