I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born