[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…