Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

🤣

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.