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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.


My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?


My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.


Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.


[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no


Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.


[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.


I once walked in on my brother having sex with my girlfriend. Needless to say I deflated her and threw her in the trash.