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@SondraDeeMe

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

@ilovepie84

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

@mattZillaaaa

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

@climaxximus

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

@gingerfaced

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

@FeverFlave

[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

@SteveSuckington

I once walked in on my brother having sex with my girlfriend. Needless to say I deflated her and threw her in the trash.

#awkwardbreakup