Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.