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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many


The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.

“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.


Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?


Culturally speaking…

Having a McDonald’s in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.


Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.


Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.








~ gas pumps


STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it


Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.