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@jergarl: [before a nap] I’m so tired and worthless
[after a nap] I’m well rested and worthless
@Book_Krazy: [playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring...a diamond ring...a diamond engagement ring...OMG YES I'LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
@CaptPinkbeard: Professor X: what's your superpower?
Me: I'm half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh... ok. listen, we don't have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
@awkwardphilippe: [Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
@shaztaberry: I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it's from.
@TheToddWilliams: [Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: "You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*