PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
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The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.
“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.
Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?
Me: Dying people are moths?
Having a McDonald’s in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
~ gas pumps
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.