Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.


if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank


Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.


Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.


Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator


The silent “p” and “s” in “Corps” are why I have hardcorps trust issues.


If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.


Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.

– shuffle mode


You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.


*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U