Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
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Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
LA today:
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Twitter remains undefeated
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Expect the unexporcupine.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?