[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My daily affirmation
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off