Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.
Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
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Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units
I DIED? BULLSHIT!
“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”
*slams x-box on floor*
carnival employee: how many marbles—
me: *eats all the marbles*
carnival employee: —are in this jar
me [confidently]: zero
me: you meant jellybeans, right?
“My new boyfriend who?
“My future husband who?”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.