Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Haha! 😂
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers