@Smooheed

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

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@Prof_Peejay

Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@CherBear162

If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units

I DIED? BULLSHIT!

“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*

@lincnotfound

carnival employee: how many marbles—

me: *eats all the marbles*

carnival employee: —are in this jar

me [confidently]: zero

carnival employee:

me:

carnival employee:

me: you meant jellybeans, right?

@RidiculousSheri

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

@ieatanddrink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

@NoogsCorner

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

@SamuelHLowe

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

@AaronFullerton

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

@RexHuppke

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.