R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages