Me: My sister is pregnant
Him: Does she know the sex?
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant
[before axes were invented]
Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise
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Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?
Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.
Alien 1: I ate my mother.
Alien 2: As did I.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
This baby is terrible at dodgeball.
Seeing twin toddler red haired girls on leashes in Target was my birth control reminder for the day.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.