@noodlegrip

[before axes were invented]

Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise

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@dimplesticks

Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant

@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

@MunkMania

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

@noogscorner

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?

Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.

Alien 1: I ate my mother.

Alien 2: As did I.

@roxiqt

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

@Just_some_girl2

Seeing twin toddler red haired girls on leashes in Target was my birth control reminder for the day.

@Julescoop

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

@G96310300

In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.