[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
boogeyman: lauraaa wake up im gonna EAT YOU
me: let’s do this
boogeyman: well it’s not fun if you want it
me: look man do you see the state of the world right now either eat me or let me go back to sleep on this pile of chips
I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.
I saw a butterfly.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor