@PaperWash

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

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@Spaziotwat

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

@trevso_electric

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

@TheOnion

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

@jackiembouvier

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

@andlikelaura

boogeyman: lauraaa wake up im gonna EAT YOU

me: finally

boogeyman: what

me: let’s do this

boogeyman: well it’s not fun if you want it

me: look man do you see the state of the world right now either eat me or let me go back to sleep on this pile of chips

boogeyman: s..sorry

@mrsmith196645

I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.

I saw a butterfly.

@DanMentos

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor