Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.